Apparently you make a good broom.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
