We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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