Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
