She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
