you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Barsexuality is the new black.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
