i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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