so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
