i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
