New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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