Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
