I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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