He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
