I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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