Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
