i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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