I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
