The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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