rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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