the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
