i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
