I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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