I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
