I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
