You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
