Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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