I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
