normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
