my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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