I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
