I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
it's great music for shaving your balls
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
