Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
