Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
why is half of my head shaved?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
