u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
