does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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