xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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