Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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