you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
