My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
