Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
