so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
