Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
