Welp...herpes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize