I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
