She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
