my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
