i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
