please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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