I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
