3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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