Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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