I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
