he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize