he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
