We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
