so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
