I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
