The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
