If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
