Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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