Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
