Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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