there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Bring me that man meat
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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