I didn't shave. On purpose
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
