just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
