I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
