you didnt know i had herpes?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
